I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
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