A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
Your presents is requested.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
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