Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
"You can't sip with us."
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
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