Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
Dublin over in laughter.
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
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