If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
I love you dairy much.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Football is one habit I will never kick
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
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