What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
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