Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
"You had me at merlot."
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
Trowel and error.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
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