If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
We’re calling your number.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
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