One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
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