Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
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