What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
You mermaid to go far.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
Your presents is requested.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
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