The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
I followed my heart to you.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Up to snow good.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
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