What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
One should always practice what they peach.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
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