When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
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