Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
It’s a winterful day!
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Witches are always wand-ering around…
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
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