Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
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