Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Goat milk?
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
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