Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
I’m soy
into you.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
"No eggs-cuses."
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
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