What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
You raise the bar.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
I only have ice for you.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
Seed between the lines.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
It’s snow joke.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
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