How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
I like big books and I cannot lie.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
Fairies just wand to have fun.
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