What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
French people give me the crepes.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
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