What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
"Lazy bones."
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
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