What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
The calm before the score
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
This is snow laughing matter!
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
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