What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
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