I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
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