What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
I can sea clearly now.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Prepare to be bowled over.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
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