"No wine left behind."
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
Calm before the score
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
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