Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
I get a real kick out of you.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
Seas the day!
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
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