"Aloe you vera much."
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
Ants in your plants.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
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