Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
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