How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
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