How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
I always have a ball with you.
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
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