Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Everybody romaine calm.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
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