Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
Tropic like it's hot.
"What an egg-citing day."
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
That was thaw-some!
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
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