What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
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