Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
Eddie edited it.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Say it ain’t snow.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
Yule be sorry.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
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