I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
I love when you coddle me.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
I’m soy
into you.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
"You can't beat me."
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
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