What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Aloha is a soft laugh.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
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