This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
"You make me egg-static."
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Cutest clover in the patch.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
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