A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
Fresh French fried fly fritters
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
It’s a winterful day!
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
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