My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
"Eggs love you."
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
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