Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
Dublin over in laughter.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
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