I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
"Time to wine down."
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
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