What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
I hope for world peas.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
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