It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
I yam what I yam.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
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