"Read between the wines."
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Irish you luck.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
You’re right up my alley.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
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