A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
Shell-abrate the good times!
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
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