That look soots you.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Skiing is believing!
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
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