What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
Do you find bone puns humerus?
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
We make a great pear
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
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