What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Wish upon a starfish.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
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