What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Cutest clover in the patch.
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
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