Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
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