What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Where do deer get all of their coffee?
Star-bucks!
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
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