Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
I like you a latte.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
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