You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
You are pitcher perfect.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
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