What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
Long thyme no see.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
"No eggs-cuses."
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
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