What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
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