Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
I like big punts and I cannot lie
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Let’s take an elfie.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
We’re in a-green-ment.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
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