What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
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