What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
You better beer-live it!
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
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