What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
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