What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Leaf me alone.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
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