How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
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