Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
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