My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
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