Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
Better read than dead.
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
Everybody romaine calm.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
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