What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
"Having a good hare day."
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
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