What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
I only have ice for you.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
Whatever coats your boat.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
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