You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
"Lazy bones."
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
You're one in a melon.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
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