So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
We’re mint to be.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
You seem a little mer-mad.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
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