Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
All stereos are so typical.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
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