Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
You’re unbeleafable.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
Rebel without a Claus.
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
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