Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
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