What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
Variety is the ice of life.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
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