What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
Go to BabaMail
