A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
Air resistance is a real drag.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
"You crack me up."
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
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