What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
Don't fork-get your manners.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
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