Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
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