Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
You snow the drill.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
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