What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
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