Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
Wear green, or leaf.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
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