When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
Hey summer, long time no sea!
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
"Just don't carrot all."
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
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