Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
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