I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
Go to BabaMail
