Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
Don’t go bacon my heart.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
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