What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
All punts are highly intended
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
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