I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.

My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"

My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."

What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!

Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!

I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.

What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.

Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.

What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.

"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...

"Oh, sweet child of wine."

You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.

I love you so fairy much.

What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"

We've been driving all day, I need a brake.

My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.

What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.

What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.

Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.

Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.

In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.

Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.

There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."

My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.

What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.

I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..

Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.

I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.

What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.

What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.

Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship

My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?

They figured it was the best way to break the ice.

Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.

What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!

A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."

What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.

What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!

I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely

Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."

How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.

A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"

In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!

When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.

What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.

I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.