What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
"For peep's sake."
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
I like you a latte.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
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