Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
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