I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
Whale, hello there.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
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