I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
"You had me at merlot."
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
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