Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
Don't even chai.
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
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