The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
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