If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
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