Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
Whatever coats your boat.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
"Yoda one for me."
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
You’re my soul Santa.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
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