What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
Dublin over in laughter.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
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