My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Sea you at the beach.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
My weekend is fully booked.
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