An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
I'm pine-ing for you.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
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