Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
My love for you simply radiates.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Drink happy thoughts.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
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