Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
It takes one to snow one.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
I’ll always be running-back to you.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
Believe in your elf.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
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