How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
You’re right up my alley.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
The goal nine yards
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
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